No longer surrendering
by mshepburning
Summary: "Rachel fights her urge to cry. She is still so hurt and beyond mad at him. But she loves him. God, she loves him and she can't believe he is here, standing at her door when it's 11 pm of a Wednesday random night."


She is lying in her bed, reading a book, when he hears the doorbell. She didn't see her roommate the whole day, and she would be kind of worried if her roommate wasn't Santana Lopez.

Who knew, right? Not only they were living together since they both moved to New York, but also they became really great friends. Rachel honestly has no idea how she would have the strength to push herself through her days without Santana. Of course, they have their argues, but at the end of the day, they have each other. And after everything, Rachel is just glad she has someone there with her.

She hears the doorbell and smiles to herself because Santana always forget her keys, so Rachel is the one to have the door open, since when she is not at NYADA, she is always home. She gets up from bed, closing her book and leaving it on her nightstand and heads to the door, not even bothering to look at who it is.

"Have you forget your k…" she can't finish her sentence when she opens the door of her apartment to find the one whose face she's been seeing in her dreams for the past seven months.

She doesn't say anything. She doesn't move. It's like she can't even remember where she is or who she is. She doesn't even blink. And she can feel the tears in the corner of her eyes, she can feel that anger rising again inside of her.

Finn stays still for what it seems like an eternity. He's been craving for this moment for so long. Be near her. Again. Be near his Rachel, his light, his love.

"Hi, Rach…" Finn says barely in a whisper.

"Hi, Rach? _Hi, Rach? _You! After everything you put me through you come to my apartment after seven months and you say 'Hi, Rach'? What is your problem? Are you fucking kidding me?" Rachel shouts at him without even noticing. Her voice is so loud and it has so much rage and it scares her for a second. And him.

"Rachel, baby, please…" Finn wants to continue, but Rachel stops him by raising her hand.

"Don't you dare! First of all, I'm not your baby anymore. Second of all, you can't come here and ask me for anything. You can't. And it's your fault. You should have thought this through before doing what you did to me, what you did to us!" Rachel fights her urge to cry. She is still so hurt and beyond mad at him. But she loves him. God, she loves him and she can't believe he is here, standing at her door when it's 11 pm of a Wednesday random night.

"I need you to listen to me, ok… You have to. Give me five minutes and I'll never talk to you again if that's what you want. I need you to understand why I did everything, I need you to stop hating me…" Finn says patiently; his voice his voice failing, and he knows he is about to cry but he really doesn't care.

"I don't want to talk to you. I can't. Not after everything you did. And don't worry, I don't hate you because you know that hate is not something I would feel for anyone, especially for you. But I don't wanna hear it. And if you respect me and everything I thought we had, you'll leave my apartment right this instant and never look for me again." Rachel says trying to regain her calm and make herself convincible as she looks at his eyes.

"Don't say that… Don't talk about us as something you thought we had, like it didn't mean anything, like it wasn't real. You know it's not true…" Finn tries to complete his sentence, but it's cut off by Rachel once again.

"I actually don't know it, Finn. I can't tell the difference between what was real and what wasn't because, honestly, it all feels like a lie now. You asked me to marry you. And I know I wasn't sure of it when you did it, but God, I wanted it so bad. I wanted a life with you. You! Finn, you made me believe I would get that life. That I could have everything. New York and the love of my life with me. But, no, no, no! You decided to be an asshole and left me! You say you surrendered, I say you left me. Now, please go." Rachel says as she tries to close the door but is stopped by Finn's foot.

"Let me talk to you… Please, we have to talk about it. I did that because I loved you so much and I knew it would be the best for you… I…"

"You certainly have a funny way of showing your love for me…" Rachel replies sarcastically.

"You can't doubt of my love for you, you just can't…" Finn whispers as he stared at the floor.

"Oh, really? Because I think I can. You made me question everything. Your love, our story, our love. You made me question my own life. You broke me like I never thought anyone, especially you, could." There is so much fragility in her voice. Everything he wants to do is put her in his embrace and never let go. But he can't. And it's his fault. It is. He knows he did it for the right reasons, but he's always been feeling guilty about it.

"I know I hurt you and I don't even know how I survived as well, but you have to understand it. I did it for love. I did it because you belong here…"

"I belong with you!" Rachel screams and gives in to her pain. "I belong with you! And you screwed everything up, just because you never could bring yourself to believe that you were always more than enough for me! All I ever did was love you..." And now she is crying.

She breaks the wall around her, because she could never keep this wall near Finn. He is the only one who knows her fully, so no matter how much she tries to stay strong and be this well put together woman, in front of him, she will only be herself.

He can't stand to see her crying. He can't. He never could, actually, but everything was easier when he could kiss those tears away. And now he can't. But he can't help himself and when he realizes, his hand is going up to her face.

"Don't." Rachel replies harshly as she looks away, taking a deep breath. "I'll say it again. Please, leave. There's no point of us doing it. It's over, Finn. It was over in the moment you forced me to get into that train and get here all by myself when I thought I was about to get married. Go, I can't do this…" Rachel begs because she can't take it anymore. It hurts too much being around him again, after everything.

"Please, don't say it's over…" Finn whispers with his eyes closed.

"Please, don't turn this on me. You wanted this. We're here right now because of your choice. I didn't even get a say in it and it was my relationship as well, my future too…" Rachel is about to sob now and she knows he has to leave or else she'll collapse in his arms. "Go! I'm asking you to leave this apartment, leave me alone. Leave, now!"

Finn doesn't move his foot. And he keeps looking at Rachel, begging for her to reconsider everything. It's not over. It could never be over.

"I swear I could punch you in the face right now. You know what? Fine! You wanna stay? Stay! Santana will put you out when she is back. Make yourself home, Finn. I'm going to my bedroom, not get out of there until tomorrow morning and by then, I really hope you'll be nowhere to be found by me. Goodbye." Rachel says turning away and leaving him at the door. When she is taking the first step, he gets in the apartment and closes the door behind him, grabbing her by the arm and kneeling down in front of her, putting his arms on her hips to keep her still.

"Are you out of your mind, Finn? Seriously, you're being ridiculous. Get away of me." Rachel says as she shakes her body, trying to make him let go of her, only stopping when she hears his sob.

"Please don't say it's over… Please. I can't live without you, Rachel, please don't say it's over…" He says against her stomach.

"You just lived seven months without me. Now please…" And now Finn is the one who cuts her off.

"I didn't. I survived seven months without you. There's a difference. And the only thing that made me go through the days was the hope of being with you again. I can't live without you. I am begging you to take another chance on me. I need you… I need you just like I always did. Nothing changed. I'm still so desperately in love with you, you're still my bigger reason… I…"

"Finn…" it's everything she manages to say, but it has so many different meanings. _Go away, please, I want you, I can't, I love you, I'm sorry. _

He looks up at her and she meets his gaze. And that's when they know. Everything changed. Nothing changed.

"Take me back", he begs as the tears roll down his cheek. "Please. Please, take me back."

Rachel's heart is being crushed. Seeing Finn like this is heartbreaking. Her Finn, always so strong, always the leader who holds it together, begging for her, looking just like a scared little boy. She can't help herself. She runs her thumbs over his cheek, cleaning his face from his tears. He closes her eyes. Her touch's never felt this good, this necessary. He presses light kisses in the palm of her hand, as he runs his large hands over her back.

Oh, his hands. How she missed those hands. How she missed his skin in hers and how her body pleads for his touch. She closes her eyes, and for a minute it's like everything else in the world vanishes. There's no one else in that building, or in NYC, or in the universe. Only her and Finn. _Her_ _Finn_. Saying this still has the same effect on her. She knows he is quite right. It's not over. It could never be over. _Not when it's about her and her Finn. Not when it's about them. _

He starts pressing kisses all over her abdomen, and even though she is wearing a t-shirt, she feels something her body's been wanting to feel for a while.

"I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you. I refuse to live without you…" Finn keeps whispering between kisses.

Rachel stays with her eyes closed, secretly – well, maybe not so secretly – not wanting this feeling to end.

He runs his hands all over her legs, pressing kisses all over the path his hands had just made. "I can't live without these legs…" he says.

Finn takes her hand in his, feeling her skin and whispering "I can't live without your hands… They hold my whole universe…"

Rachel forces her eyes closed, like she wants to stop herself from crying.

He slips his hands under her t-shirt, rubbing circles all over her skin. And then he starts to get up, pressing their bodies together, finally, feeling her. She feels his arousal and can't help herself from feeling the urgency of being his again. He presses one hand in the valley of her breasts, and he swears he hears a little moan.

"I can't live without this heart…" He whispers and she can feel his breath against her mouth. She opens her eyes.

As he keeps one of his hands in her heart, he takes her own with his another hand and puts it on his.

They keep staring at each other and it's like there's no longer pain. No more rage or hurt or regret. There's only Finn and Rachel. Rachel and Finn.

He is the one to break the silence.

"I'm done surrendering. I'm here. And I want you. I need you. And even if I have to make it up for you for the rest of our lives, I will. I'll make you fall in love with me again every single day of our damn lives. Because that's the only thing I know by heart. How to love you."

As Finn says it, Rachel starts to cry again. But it's different this time. It's a different crying, she has a different face. And now he thinks he is finally allowed to kiss those tears away. So he does it.

He takes their hands away from her heart and embraces her tightly. He kisses her cheeks, and eyes, and forehead, and chin, and nose. And then he kisses her mouth. God, her mouth. Her mouth still tastes the same. Like it was only meant to kiss him.

Things go pretty fast from there. They manage to take each other's t-shirts and keep kissing, and he grabs her up, making her wrap her legs around his waist as he takes her to what it seems to be her bedroom. He presses her onto the bed, hovering her body with his and she unbuttons and unzips his pants, putting it down to his knees along with his boxers.

Rachel was wearing one of his t-shirts she always wore to sleep, so the only thing he did was push her panties aside and thrust into her. And then, it was like _home_. You couldn't say when Finn ended and Rachel began. They were _one_. They were re-entering to themselves, they were born once more. Nothing has changed. Still, nothing compares to the feeling of having Rachel all around him. Nothing compares to the feeling of being surrounded by Finn. They were whole again.

He keeps whispering "I love you, I love you, I love you" through the entire love making. Yes, this is a quick and clumsy one, but they are making love, because it's _them_. They keep their fingers intertwined and they remain looking at each other, no matter how urgent the feeling of rolling their eyes to the back of their heads is. They come hard, fast, together, and screaming each other's names.

Finn rests his head in the curve of her shoulder and neck, as he keeps kissing the area. She keeps running her fingertips on his bare back, looking at ceiling and wondering if everything that had just happened was real.

Finn is about to roll off of her, but she stops him.

"Stay…" she whispers.

"I don't want to crush you, baby girl. You know I'd crush you…" Finn says pressing kisses all over her face.

"At least you'll be here to crush me…"

"Baby…"

"Don't. We'll talk about it tomorrow, ok? Before you have to leave…"

"I'm not leaving tomorrow. Not tomorrow, not ever. I already told you. I'm done being without you. Even if you don't want me back right now, I'll live here anyway until the day you decide it's time to give me another chance. I'm not giving up on you, on us. You may think I already did it, but I never did. I never could." He says looking at her, straight at her, and there's so much love in his voice and in his eyes that she can't take it. She bursts into tears.

And he holds her so tight he thinks he may break her. But she thanks him in her mind for doing it. It's like she wants to crawl into his skin. Surround herself of him, feeling his skin, feeling his protection, his care, his love, _feeling him_. She needs to get so close to him to the point to their heartbeats to match. And he knows he doesn't have anything to say besides "I love you more than anything, I still do, and I'm so sorry…", so he says it, over and over again.

When she calms down, she looks at him. And she traces the lines of his face with her fingertips. She always does that after they have sex. It's like she wants to drink him in. When it comes to her Finn, she still is the same little girl that would die to have the hot quarterback's attention. She smiles at the figure of her Finn. And it's a genuine smile after seven months.

"I know you are…" Rachel says after a little while. "And maybe it's not going to be easy for us to get back to us, but when was it easy anyway? Besides, I do love some drama, and it would be a good thing for me to explore in my classes…" she says giggling a little.

"God, how I missed your laugh…" Finn says and now, he is the one drinking her in. "How I missed your mouth, and your touch, and your beauty, and your voice… Your heart, I missed your heart…" he knows he is stuttering because he just loves her _so much_… "How I missed you, being mine, being yourself, being everything… How I missed us…"

"I missed you too. And I do love you, and I do want you." She whispers between kisses and she has to stop them because she knows where this kissing thing will head them and it's not what she needs right now.

"But right now, I just want to cuddle and sleep in your arms…" she says opening this adorable smile, the one he wanted to see for so long after she cried that much when they last saw each other.

"There's nothing I'd want more." Finn says as he rolls off of her, lying by her side and pulling her the closest he can to him.

Rachel closes her eyes. And for the first time in seven months, that goodbye scene at the train station is not haunting her anymore. All she sees when she closes her eyes, is the future she's about to begin with the love of her life. The future that, finally, they are about to build together. _She and her Finn._


End file.
